And just over a week has passed.

My mom called me last night, to make sure I was visiting her on Friday, like I'm always supposed to. Sometimes I don't, though.

I called her to say yes, and then she broke down and asked me if I thought she was a good mother.

We had a conversation about the worst of our various lives, and I told her that she's the best mother I've got (and I actually have several to choose from).

Also, very tired. Fell and slammed my knee into the ground on the way from home to work in the driving rain. Wheee. Just a bruise, though, so I ought not complain.

And I like the rain.

Lots of sleep tonight. Sleep is good. 0 have shared the love

 
I got a new phone. A while ago. Just forgot to mention it.

It's okay. It plays techno when I get a call. That's kinda cool.

I went to a concert on Friday. It was loud.

I don't expect I'll go to another concert again, unless it's outdoors, and even then, I have doubts. All of the sound just melded into a wall of solid sound I couldn't decipher.

Original Joes is pricey. But they let you walk in wearing pretty much street clothes, so it's not all bad.

My bed is, I think, too small for two people.

And perhaps, my life is, too.

Hmm.

This is not a happy thought. 0 have shared the love

 
I feel tension.

Relief.

I'm adrift on a sea of emotion.

It feels, as tired as I am, that I am approaching ... SOMETHING. I don't know what it is yet.

But I know I've been looking for it for a while. I draw closer and closer to what I'm seeking.

I think, perhaps, just maybe, that I've learned faith.

And I think I'm ready for what may happen next. 0 have shared the love

 
My phone died last night.

Frustrating.

Now I have two half-phones, and there's not enough cable between them for me to craft phone-chucks.

I'll buy a new one tonight.

Grrr. 0 have shared the love

 
Obsession of the Moment: Not Chrno Cross.

Chrno Cross is Zenki. With guns.

And it's so freaking DARK you can hardly ever tell what's going on.

Lord Buffington showed me Gunbound.

It makes an EXCELENT replacement for Outwar.

I'm experiencing nearly constant anxiety attacks.

Fasting (and only that) seems to abate the anxiety.

This is ultimately beneficial to me, I guess, but at the same time, strange.

And I'm waiting for my current rush of anxiety to fade.

I just don't have that much to be stressed about. But my heart is beating unsteadily, skipping beats, and I have a constant sensation like I just totally and irrevokably screwed something up. 0 have shared the love

 
Obsession of the Moment: Full Metal Alchemist.

Originally, I was thinking that FMA lacked a certain something. It was a little too slapstick, or 'silly'.

I've realized since that the presentation really carries it despite all that. And, after watching more closely, I've come to appreciate it for what it is. Pretty darned good.

Still not Scrapped Princess (all you 'SutePri' purists can stuff it, unless you can prove to me that you're a naitive Japanese speaker OR only ever watched the series raw -- that kind of mindless fanboyism is ... for another rant. But you can still stuff it.) quality, but quite fine non-the-less.

Ranting.

Why am I so judgmental of other people, anyway?

I've come to the determination that my ranting about the shortcomings of other people is redirecting anger at myself for my own shortcomings.

Or just people being total idiots.

I'm not certain.

Even if someone is an idiot, don't they still have a right to live? To be happy? Who am I try and decry otherwise?

Again, I find a flaw in myself that needs to be corrected.

Without adressing any of the others.

Still, I suppose it's progress. I know what I need to do, and knowing ... is half of the battle. Right?

I'll keep that thought still for a while, and use it to beat back the seething tide of resentment within me (I don't think I REALLY hate myself that much ... what is all this anger at, I wonder?), and turn to more constructive purposes.

I have Sizable Savings Towards the Laptop Fund.

Hmm.

There were other Happy Thoughts (tm), but they've faded into a general mailaise of contentment.

This is actually a good thing.

Er. You knew that.

The annoying part about blogging that just occured to me is that it's a journal for me, AND for you ... whoever you people happen to be. Strange, strange people who want to read my journal.

...why do you, anyway? O_o?

Ah. Sleep is required.

Oh, yes. Now I remember.

My Forbidden Words list. If you e-mail me with anything even remotely SIMILAR to spam, it gets auto-dropped from the server, and bounc'd.

If you wish (for some reason) to e-mail me, include, in the subject line of your e-mail: '[4chan]'.

Yeah.

I'm clinging to my e-mail address. ;_; 0 have shared the love

 
Obsession of the Moment: Full Metal Alchemist.

It is not without its flaws.

It is not as good as Scrapped Princess.

But it's still pretty good.

So today was a horrible day at work. I resent my inept manager, and his inane demands.

It's amazing to watch the transformation from "One of the guys" to totally clueless manager.

Spent most of my day doing inventory, as the whole shipping manager blah blah blah.

Felt like a waste of time.

So draining. So pointless.

We're all just biding our time until the company goes under.

Highest bet in the pool says twelve more months.

Lowest says three.

Patience. Patience. School.

Caved on the no-spending-until-laptop is purchased (in no small part due to my mom's explanation about my birthday coming up etc).

Bought an optical mouse to replace my ailing (normal) mouse. It's cordless. Very handy.

After my last mouse took a tragic fall, I was able to coerce the sensors back into shape. Unfortunately, however, it would sometimes 'stick', and you'd need to lift the mouse up, carry it to the left side of the pad, and slide it all the way to the right about three times before it'd start tracking in that direction again. But up/down and left were fine.

This turned out to be problematic in combination with me trying to photoshop an image off of 4chan. I managed to do so, taking the four cards that were stuck together and editing out the lines (and filling in the gaps!) with reasonable results.

And then someone else posted it before I could get to it in 40 MB .png format. My thunder was a-stolen. Pity. I may take a crack at it again, just to see if I can do it, and it was kind of fun (should be easier with a mouse that's both optical AND works), and, hey, I like both Mogudan's style, and the Scrapped Princess characters.

....

Frustrated. Lost. Trying to keep up a brave face, but lacking in true confidence.

Lacking in direction and motivation.

Continously worried sick that my game is going to fail, and I will have dissapointed my friends. Or already have.

Eating poorly, and feeling sick regularly.

Lonely.

And, also, I'm really disliking Outwar. Maybe just ignore it, now. Requires serious dedication to win.

And you can't really play except to win, or you'll be crushed as someone else uses you for a stepping stone. (Hey, that's the way it's gotta be, but at the same time ... I got games I can win to play.)

Hmm.

Tsukihime OST.

....

Infinity.

That line is always there. Sometimes I fear I'll find that edge.

Sometimes I hope I do.

Don't have words anymore.

I used to think I did.

Maybe I was right.

I'm lost now.

Stuck.

Gotta find the way out.

Frustrated.

But underneath it all....

Hopeful.

Maybe not optimistic.

But hopeful. 0 have shared the love

 
Bleah.

Something's happened to me.

I'm not sure what, exactly.

I was pursuing the path last night ... trying to find the way. But I fell asleep before I achieved anything approaching a major epihpany.

Had a series of strange dreams. Very disturbing, especially the one where I ran into my step-mother, and I think I was trying to achieve some form of petty victory over her ... but I couldn't out-petty her, and she kept laughing at me.

I know what it means, I think.

And I think it speaks pretty poorly of me that I had it.

But there's more, too. I don't understand it, but it feels like I'm throwing 'me' away to create a new persona within myself.

Confusing.

Must meditate on this again later. 0 have shared the love

 
Obsession of the moment: Outwar. Only click on that link if you want to help out my Outwar character. Or start your own. Or something. Anyway.

I doubt this OotM will last long. It's only a three Tin Sugar Cube rating.

When it fades ... Gunbound.

Or such.

I haven't been playing new games as much, because I'm really trying to finish some of the games I have lying around before picking up anything new. The fact that I have exiled myself from further purchases until I get a laptop is helping to keep me to that. Funny.

I've also been pretty good about swearing (incoming money to the Jar O' Shame has dropped dramatically; some days, I don't put any money in). I've been good about the red meat.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

...yeah. That's about it.

Well, other than some laundry room Drahma, but it's what I get for waiting until the weekend to do laundry. The SUPERbowl weekend. 0 have shared the love