I talk too much. Way, way too much, and I finally figured out why.

I spend the entire day talking on the phone, but while I'm speaking, I feel like I'm not expressing myself. I'm not really speaking for me, I'm doing it for other people.

So when I have a chance to talk with friends, I don't shut up and listen, I just keep going on and blathering in a mad rush to scream, "I'm a real person beyond that tech support guy!"

That was anti-clamactic.

Alrighty.

So lately I've been struggling with moral issues and such. I'm on this trip where I've learned that I know nothing. Admitting that is frightening, because the world is a big place, and knowing that you don't know more than a fraction of what's going on in it is (really) somewhat daunting.

I mean, there could be unspeakable horrors lurking around the corner. WHO KNOWS?

This seems over-blown, but it breaks down like this:

There's a massive load of philisophical issues I've been trying to juggle in my head. I am, at heart, a lazy person who just wants to be happy. But I'm also greedy, so once I get what I want, I want more.

Aside from the duplicity, the attention whoring (hi!), and everything else in my life....

What it all amounts to is my belief that I am a bad person. This is realized from my actions, which hurt people. Hurting other people for your own gain is (in my opinion) bad.

Now, it's been some time since I've intentionally manipulated people, caused people to have bad experiences, and generally made trouble for people.

So I don't ACT bad.

But does this make me good?

My initial philosophy was that if I acted good, I would be good. But really, that's shallow, and simple, and stupid, and it's just not that easy.

So I took up taoism and studied, and learned, and questioned, and realized ... nope, I was right the first time. It really is that easy.

Except it isn't.

Knowing what to do and doing it are very different.

But I am digressing. This is about why I am a bad person.

I tracked it down. At the core, I want to be happy. Which is, I think, what we all want. Whatever it takes to make us really happy, it what we want. Usually the things we want to make us happy are just that. Things.

Now, Zen says that this desire is what denies us the ability to achieve our goals. Our desires distract us from the fact that all we need to be happy is to want to be happy.

Of course, we can't all sit in the Lotus position all day long and contemplate our navels.

Tao (pretty much) says, "Don't worry about it. Do what you do, and just enjoy life in a way that allows others to do the same."

And this I like a bit better, but I see that there is still some truth in the philosophy of Zen.

The long and short of it is to make ourselves happy not by simply saying, "I'm happy," without having anything, because that's hard. The trick is to learn to be happy.

I struggled for months of being crushed under an inability to withstand my job. I hated it. And I wished, and wished, and wished, that I could just be a person with enough of a work ethic to find the job itself rewarding.

And now that I'm actually working hard enough to feel tired from it ... really bone tired ... I'm finding I like it. I have actually made myself able to be happy with what I have.

Of course, it doesn't stop here. This is only a stop on the path. The way is to capture that happiness, and learn to take it with me. And then ... then I will truly be alive.

I feel content.

And I like it.
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I'm fucking beat.

I had a massive diatribe prepared. Assume I delivered it and it rocked your world.

Actual content to come at some point in the future. x_x
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It's rare that we get snapshots of when we were truly happy.

My wants used to be so much simpler.

Some cereal that maybe if we were lucky had sugar in it.

Good cartoons.

No school that day.

Possibly video games.

But that was it.

Why do we become so complex, and stop letting the simple good things in life make us happy?

Still. Remembering when I was really happy makes me think I'll learn to be happy again all the time, instead of in fits and bursts.

I just need to relax my temper, and be positive. And if I can't be positive, act positive anyway, until I am more positive.

Hmm. I feel better already.
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Hmmm.

The vacation was interesting. Not everything went as planned, though. Unfortunately.

I did get to go to "the largest bookstore in the US". They gave me a map. It was kind of neat.

The con was largely a bust (talk about a lack of crowd control).

Recent events at work have been stressful (they gave me a schedule that doesn't give me time for anything except work). They also made me salaried, so my overtime does nothing for me.

Damnit.

Out of stress meds.

Hrm.

Must be calm. Think happy thoughts.

I got to play around in the WoW stress-test. That was really awesome. I can't wait for it to come out. Aaaanyway. Time to sleep before my new 50 hour work-week begins. With conveniently scheduled "you can no longer run your game with your friends!" timing.

Le sigh.
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My life lacks Drama.

VERY WELL!

I am creating Drama from this point forth:

Wallace, you and I were brothers, separated at birth, and both designated heirs of a rich and ailing countess.

Jim, while it was unintentional, you destroyed the lives of three women forever with a vat of jello, a trio of 40 oz. bottles of tequilla, and a handy-cam. Only I managed to shield you from the public eye behind a veil of mystery. Living under the oppressive blackmailing scheme I've worked onto you for the past years, you've finally developed the mental circuitry required to destroy a living being. On top of that, I am a declared enemy of humanity, so you're practically obligated to murder me.

Mark, after a ski trip to Reno, you and I left a hooker dead in a hotelroom, along with sixteen packs of chocolate flavored bubblegum. The police have never approached us. We've never spoken of it since. But now, an enemy returns, with evidence that can destroy our lives forever. Can we outwit the mastermind, and prove his guilt in the murder?

Sterling, through intense meditation and herbal therapy, you've come to realize that I am, in fact, you, reincarnated. It is now your moral duty to bitchslap your reincarnated time-looped soul into shape, or else you'll rest uneasy in your grave.

Walker, a secret you thought you drove into your brother's grave, along with the steak through the heart that finally killed him, is about to return. Can you make up your differences between your forces of Basassness, and my forces of Awesome? Only aligned can they destroy the menace that is ... your undead brother!

Ryan, in an ironic twist of fate, my plan failed, and in addition to not killing you, I ALSO failed to escape from the amazing simulator you've trapped my mind in. Can I escape in time to make it to the office in time to rescue those orphans?

David, now that we've reached a truce in the schools of monster hunting, your knives to my arc-rifle, a new foe appears. Will our combined powers be enough to combat the horror that is ... moving out?

Cheri, as horrible as it may seem, the real Leeloo is still thin and svelte -- and nearly starved away, too. Locked in the ventilation system for nearly two years, the good Leeloo is now ready to fight Shadow-Leeloo, and rescue Ditsoac from her evil.

Rez, in addition to hacking your server, Ayame also erased your entire MP3 collection. Can we find our way to the legendary hard drive of the Dark Acolyte, which is supposed to contain all the songs in the world?

Dracos, Bjorn has fallen to Banality. Can we combine our powers and ressurect his belief in the fey?

Bjorn, in the next compelling episode ... wait. I haven't seen Bjorn in a while.

I wonder where he went. O_o

Oh well -- good-bye, Sunnyvale, and hello Portland~!
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Going on a Vacation. I have not had such a thing in a long while.

I hope to enjoy it.

I expect a Quest, and all which that entails.

We shall see, my micro-bees and I.

We shall se-- AAAUUUGH~! Not in the FACE! Not in the FACE!
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